A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED !
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay,
she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider
you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said,
"I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

CHRISTMAS

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I am gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me.

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

GOOD NIGHT DAD

I received this in my e-mail, from a friend.

It is gratitude in action. It is applying Albert Schweitzer’s philosophy: “In gratitude for your own good fortune you must render in return some sacrifice of your life for other life.”

It is thanking God for the gift of life by living it triumphantly.

It is thanking God for your talents and abilities by accepting them as obligations to be invested for the common good.

It is thanking God for all that men and women have done for you by doing things for others.

It is thanking God for opportunities by accepting them as a challenge to achievement.

It is thanking God for happiness by striving to make others happy.

It is thanking God for beauty by helping to make the world more beautiful.

It is thanking God for inspiration by trying to be an inspiration to others.

It is thanking God for health and strength by the care and reverence you show your body.

It is thanking God for the creative ideas that enrich life by adding your own creative contributions to human progress.

It is thanking God for each new day by living it to the fullest.

It is thanking God by giving hands, arms, legs, and voice to your thankful spirit.

It is adding to your prayers of thanksgiving, acts of thanksliving

Today we left the house EARLY to pick up Ms Audrey to spend the day. Her school was out, and she wanted to come play with Grandma. So by 10:30, we had played a game of Chutes and Ladders, Rock,Scissors and Paper, played office and watched an old game of Match Game. We both got pretty sleepy, but we managed to stay awake. Then I started her favorite lunch spaghetti, and her Aunt Becky stopped over. After lunch Aunt Becky, had picked up two pot holder looms and some loops, they made several pot holders, not as much fun as I remembered it being. Ha!Ha!. Right now Aunt Becky and Ms Audrey are playing school in the bedroom that holds a little table and chair, plus toys for kids, crayons, paper, etc. there's also a wooden boston rocker in there and a twin size bed. I'm just finishing up the lunch dishes, and it will be supper time before I know it, but tonight I am ordering take out. I know, lazy. But it's a treat for me also. So every one, until later, have a good evening.

Anyone that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.- David Broder

Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There's nothing to do but to stand there and take it - Lyndon B. Johnson

To educate a man in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society.
- Theodore Roosevelt

The President is the last person in the world to know what the people really want and think. - James A. Garfield

Our differences are politics. Our agreements are principles. - William McKinley

The office of president is a bastardized thing, half royalty and half democracy, that nobody knows whether to genuflect or spit. - Jimmy Breslin

I think "No comment" is a splendid expression. - Winston Churchill

No easy problems ever come to the President of the United States. If they are easy to solve, somebody else has solved them. - Dwight David Eisenhower

The vice-presidency isn't worth a pitcher of warm piss. - Dwight David Eisenhower

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take. - George Robert Stephanopolous

I hope I shall possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an honest man. - George Washington

Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom. - Thomas Jefferson

What is the use of being elected or reelected unless you stand for something?
- Grover Cleveland

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president, but they don't want them to become politicians in the process. - John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. - Douglas Adams

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said," About three hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.

"A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes from laughter and said,

"Your house."

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably
the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people
to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf

And finally ~! If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Did You Know?

-- Peel a banana from the bottom and you won't have to pick the little "stringy things" off of it. That's how the primates do it.

-- Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.

-- Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!

-- Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating. Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.

-- Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.

-- To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream and then beat them.

-- For a cool brownie treat, make brownies as directed. Melt Andes mints in double broiler and pour over warm brownies. Let set for a wonderful minty frosting.

-- Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if you want a stronger taste of garlic.

-- Leftover Snickers bars from Halloween make a delicious dessert. Simply chop them up with the food chopper. Peel, core and slice a few apples. Place them in a baking dish and sprinkle the chopped candy bars over the apples. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes!!! Serve alone or with vanilla ice cream.

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

HOURGLASS
An hourglass is female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

A Cincinnati farmer dies and, being a heathen, goes to Hell. When he gets there its 95 F with 90% humidity, but Satan notices he's kicked back on the brimstone relaxing comfortably.

He asks, 'Why aren't you miserable like everyone else here?' The farmer replies: 'Oh, this is like a warm spring day in southwest Ohio . I like it.'

Angry, Satan turns up the thermostat until its 100 F and 95% humidity. Still the farmer's happy. 'This is like a good June day on the farm. Not bad at all.'

Furious, Satan turns it up to 105 F and 99% humidity. Everyone is even more miserable, except the farmer still resting. 'Hey, this is like a good August day on the farm bailing hay. Feels good, the hotter the better.'

In a total rage, Satan turns the thermostat down to minus 25 F. Within seconds, the air becomes chilly and frost appears, soon followed by solid ice everywhere. Satan smirks, watching the farmer.

The confused farmer looks down at the frozen ground for a moment, suddenly jumps up excitedly, looks around everywhere and begins to laugh, scream, and jump for joy.

The Bengal 's won the Super Bowl!!
The Bengal 's won the Super Bowl!!
The Bengal 's won the Super Bowl!!

This is so-o-o-o bad!


This was in the News yesterday. A Woman that lives in Galesburg was weed-eating her lawn.

She accidentally cut off the tail of her favorite Cat.

She rushed her Cat along with the tail over to the new Super Wal-Mart! You might ask, why Wal-Mart ?

Wal-Mart is the largest Retailer in town !!!

Don't shoot the messenger please....

Takes a few minutes before she starts her routine.

A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, the wife was working in the garden while the husband was grilling hamburgers out on the lawn. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said...

'Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill.'

Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's butt.

'Yep,' he said,' just what I thought, just about the same size.'

The wife became mad and left him outside alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.

When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said,

'How about it, honey? How about a little ooche coochee?'

The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

'What's the matter?' he asked.

She replied...

'You don't think I'm going to fire up this big A$$ grill just for one little old weenie, do you?'

A cowboy, who is visiting Montana from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the heck the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood so they would be prepared for it.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

SOUNDS LIKE HOW OUR WEATHERMEN PREDICT THE WEARTHER HERE IN OHIO.